The One Where I Went [Back] to Therapy
Hopefully, you recognize the title as a reference to the show Friends, and the picture for this blog - is the famous “Central Perk” couch. (If you’re one of the people who hate the show, I forgive you.) I spent far too much money for my 29th birthday trip to L.A. with my best friend. Thank heavens, because due to the current climate, ringing in my 30th birthday this year may involve significantly less travel than anticipated. Why am I telling you this? A couple of years ago my therapist convinced me to do things. This may sound weird, but I am a highly productive person. I do not intend for this to come across as a humble brag. It’s more like - I don’t know how to turn it off. I don’t know how to not be productive. I could talk to you about work all day, when I am not working I am working on what I could be working on next. Or, I am thinking about what decisions I can make to potentially make my work more effective and helpful. Yes, this is exhausting. Yes, this has caused tension in relationships because I forget that not working is often more valuable. Without excessive practice, I am guilty of defining the purpose of rest as “the charger for working better the next day”. Cue - my therapist. Picture it. Me, sitting on a giant couch. her sitting in her therapist chair. The conversation went something like this:
Therapist: So, when do you relax? Or even how do you relax?
Me: Oh well, I aim for a minimum of 7 hours per night, and I am sure to schedule at least one night a week to not work. On my work calendar I even block off time with “DO NOT WORK ERICA”. [To provide some context, at the time of this conversation I had 4 jobs- 1 full time, and 3 part time.]
Therapist: And then what do you do?
Me: Umm, well I read a lot.
Therapist: What do you like to read?
Me: Usually therapy books, or personal development books. Devotional books?
Therapist: Mhmm. What other things do you do to relax?
Me: I bake, or hang out with my family. Or, umm…See I’m childless and petless and date someone who also works a lot. NOW is the time to do all the things before marriage, children, and dogs take away time. I mean they add stuff to your life, but all my friends with kids and spouses look tired and hide in their pantries and closets and cars.
Therapist: I see...
I’m a therapist, when I say “I see” it’s because I can’t (or shouldn’t) say what we would want to say because we like our career. Sometimes, I say it anyway. Other times I think…”maybe we’ll go there later”. The conversation with my therapist proceeded on after that, but you get the gist of what she signed up for when she took me on. After basically 2 sessions my recurring homework was to “find a way to relax”. I had a session last week. My homework? To separate home life and work life during quarantine - and “relax”. The point of this riveting story? To assure you that you can go to therapy for trauma, depression (and once upon a time, that’s why I went too), or because you absolutely have no idea how to process the concept of “relaxation”. Fortunately, I have been told that I don’t project this tension onto others - it certainly wouldn’t be my shining quality as a therapist. Not to worry, since that fateful conversation 2 years ago we have advanced to the underlying reasons the above conversation’s thoughts and feelings occur in my life. That is for another blog.
So, last December I loosened the reins and spent money on literal fun. Usually my relaxation is not that extravagant, but occasionally I am privileged to have the ability to vacation. Sometimes, relaxation is taking a really really long shower with all the steps- exfoliate, double shave, masks, the good soap, that pedicure foot thing, the fresh out the dryer towel, the good lotion and then bed. Usually, it’s hiding chocolate somewhere in my office to shove in my mouth between sessions at work. Then there is my morning coffee (then later my early morning coffee followed by my pre-afternoon coffee…you see where this is going), but my morning coffee is special. I drink my morning coffee, while having my quiet time, and not looking at a single screen. It’s magnificent and I love it. Not everyone can take off of work. not everyone can go on vacation. The point is to find something that works for you. Walk outside, find a quiet place and listen to that song, or wake up before the rest of your house to have 20 minutes of silence. A therapist can help you even with these areas of your life.
There is still a large misconception among cultures, religions, and families that therapy occurs after what some would call “Big T trauma”. These are your fatalities, massacres, deaths, terminal illnesses, assaults, natural disasters, etc. However, the reality is therapy is for everyone. Regardless of whether or not you think your stuff is “big” or not. If it’s big to you, if you are not able to experience your life in the way that you would like to experience it - then therapy is for you.