Coping During
“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” - Megan Devine. Though I’m not entirely sure how it happened, I’ve realized that we as people tend to cope after, instead of coping during. We cope with things after they happen.
We cope with stress, after we have reached our maximum level of stress. We cope with frustrating events, after they have concluded. One thing I have learned in dealing with lupus is the idea of coping during. Coping during means not waiting until the end of the stressor to take care of yourself. Coping during means taking care of yourself along the way.
As a kid, I grew up with two types of examples. There were the adults who worked hard and saved to do these grand things later in life - when they had the time and the money. Then there was my dad. My dad who firmly believed in doing the fun things, making the memories, as often as you could along the way. Then one day, he died. He wasn’t sick or anything. One day he went to work, and he didn’t come home. That was it. So from 13 on, I decided to live life along the way. I decided not wait for some undetermined hypothetical moment to do things I really wanted to do. No, this did not mean making irresponsible financial choices and/or foregoing critical responsibilities. Living life also means managing responsibilities and planning for a future that is not actually promised. However, I didn’t wait for the relationship to travel. I don’t wait for Fridays to order takeout, and I don’t wait for special occasions to curl my hair. The point? Life deserves to be celebrated, and noticed, along the way. Life requires healthy coping skills on Tuesdays. Life requires deep breaths during the work day. For me, a full day of sessions means sneaking short walks or cookies in between. Honestly, sometimes the session starts with me still chewing - it is what it is. With lupus, when I have a good day, I do ALL the things. I have the energy, and whether it’s a Wednesday or a Saturday I make the most of the moment. However, it’s during the not so good days when I need to use healthy coping skills that much more. I make the fancy coffee in the middle of the day. You know, the one with the almond whip cream, caramel syrup, and extra creamer. I color during lunch. I am currently working on a super hero coloring book. My medium of choice is colored pencils. Of course, I still plan for larger vacations and grand plans. I still cope after when I need to. However, I don’t forego making special moments now at the cost of today and tomorrow’s mental health.
While pain is a part of life, it also creates that much more of a reason to capture even the smallest of moments. The reality is, living your life is already a major accomplishment. Each day is a day to live. Either we live our life, we miss our life, or life runs over us. Each day deserves it’s own moments of joy, even if that joy has to be manufactured by us. Sometimes, that joy is standing outside and feeling the warmth, the breeze, or the rain. Maybe that moment is mindfully eating that cookie, or sipping that coffee. Maybe that moment is coloring, watching your comedy, reading that book. Maybe that moment is laughing with a friend. These are the ways we cope during. Steadily coping during our lives supports us in living whole and healthy lives. All in all, learning to carry the things life hands…or throws at us, is challenging enough. When we skip the small moments, when we skip the chances to celebrate, notice, and take in our small wins - we miss the opportunity to experience life.